Have Some Guts Read online

all hug him.

  BACK TO SCENE

  Pudding stops being psycho-dog once the commercial ends.

  KENNY

  Wierdo fucking dog. Kimmy?

  She strolls into the living room wearing a shirt with a picture of Pudding on it.

  INSERT: T SHIRT

  My Pudding!

  BACK TO SCENE

  KIMMY

  Hey, so I got to thinking last night. Actually, I couldn't stop thinking about what might be in the brief case and what to do with it. I think we should hide it here and somehow contact those two men. Tell them we want half of whatever it is inside or they will never see it again. We will work out all the in-between details later on.

  KENNY

  (sarcastically)

  Hey, good morning to you too, Kimmy. I slept well, thanks for asking.

  KIMMY

  Yuck, someone's crabby first thing in the morning.

  Pudding, give him kisses, make him smile.

  Pudding licks Kenny's face. He pushes the dog away.

  KENNY

  I'm sorry, it was just a weird night. OK, we will leave it here. But for now, that's it. I have to sneak into my house and get some stuff and then we will decide what to do with it. OK, honey?

  He approaches her to kiss her, but she backs off.

  KIMMY

  Eeew, no. Your… breath stinks. I have to run and visit Daddy and Mommy and then go get Pudding's prescription.

  I should be back by two.

  KENNY

  Fair enough. See you in a bit.

  CUT TO:

  EXT: THE JACKSON'S HOUSE.

  The Jackson's are the older black couple living across the street from Kenny. EARL JACKSON reads the paper as he sits with his wife, SHONDA, on the front porch.

  Across the street, the red LeBaron drives by. It cruises by again and then again until it stops a few houses down. Kenny sneaks up to his own front door and slips inside.

  SHONDA

  That white boy is getting crazier and crazier every day. You think he is dealing drugs? Or what if he is dealing drugs to his gay friends?

  EARL

  I don't know, honey.

  SHONDA

  The only thing that is gonna set him straight and save him is the Lord.

  CUT TO:

  EXT: BOARDWALK.

  Numbers stands in front of the broken Lewis and Clark statue. He picks a green gumball off the base of the statue and pops it into his mouth.

  Simon walks up and jams his phone into his pocket.

  SIMON

  You'd better hope that fuckin' thing tastes like bacon and eggs because it's the closest thing to breakfast you're going to eat until we get the briefcase. I had my boy run the license plate number and he got me an address. Let's go.

  Simon yawns and pats Numbers on the back. Both of them have black circles under their eyes.

  CUT TO:

  INT: KENNY'S HOUSE.

  It is a one-bedroom rental with typical bachelor pad furniture. Kenny throws his keys on the coffee table as he strides through the living room. He flips on the television and disappears into the bedroom.

  INSERT: TELEVISION

  Good Morning Seaside with Mitch and Melanie!

  MELANIE is a quirky news anchor with a mouth big enough to swallow her foot. The other anchor, MITCH, has a square chin and a voice like a slick car salesman.

  MELANIE

  Good morning folks, if you are just joining us. It is half past ten and time for a quick report on the weather with Seaside's favorite weatherman, Peter Tannenbaum.

  PETER stands in front of a giant map of Seaside. He has a tie-dyed neck-tie with a whale on it. He smiles indefinitely.

  PETER

  Hey there, Seaside. This week's neck-tie is courtesy of the Seaside Beaches Coalition to Save the Ocean Animals.

  Peter fondles the tie and smiles. He then does his pointing and smiling gimmick while he gives his forecast like he is trying to sell you the weather.

  PETER

  It is going to be mild this weekend, folks. This afternoon it will be cloudy and overcast and for tonight, rain. A whole SEVEN inches. So, don't forget your umbrellas. Back to you M and M!

  The program returns to the desk featuring Mitch and Melanie.

  MITCH

  Thanks, Peter. In other news. A woman by the name of Rosa Santiago apparently drove her blue Ford Pinto through the boardwalk last night in a drunken excursion. She did over thirty-five thousand dollars in damage. She suffered a broken arm and a mild concussion. When questioned by our investigative team this morning, all that she kept asking for was "her briefcase." When we questioned the doctors about the situation, they said she will be fine, and they know nothing of any briefcase. They also noted that a couple of suspicious looking men were seen in restricted areas of the hospital at late hours last night.

  Kenny dives onto the couch and over the coffee table to turn the volume up. He knocks some books off the table, including a copy of the novel, "Moby Dick." He cranks the television up all the way. The reporter continues.

  MITCH

  The identities of the two men are unknown as they were only seen briefly by the witnesses and the images caught by the video cameras are blurred. The men were dressed in all black and described by one elderly hospital patron as "angels of death." That elderly man was found this morning locked in a broom closet.

  MELANIE

  Sounds like a case of "Pulp Fiction" is hitting our quaint little town of Seaside, huh, Mitch?

  Melanie smiles to the camera.

  MITCH

  Good one, Mel. As some of you know it is that time of year when the sperm whales are closest to our shores…

  BACK TO SCENE

  Kenny cranks the volume to mute and flops back on the couch.

  KENNY

  Shit. That poor lady got hurt last night. I need a plan.

  Kenny grabs his phone and dials it. A couple seconds of silence and then Chester's voice blurts out of the phone.

  CHESTER

  (V.O.)

  Thank God I have this caller ID! Because now I can hang up on all those fucking weirdos out there that call me at strange hours of the night asking for advice about LUGGAGE. You wouldn't do that, right Ken? Because that is queer!

  KENNY

  I am sorry, Chester. I don't know whom else to go to. This is serious and it is getting even more serious. I am seeing stuff on the news now about the briefcase and the two guys in black. I need some ideas. What do I do with it? I don't want anyone else to get hurt.

  CHESTER

  Well first, take a breath and relax. Second, remind me of what a great fucking best friend I am to you.

  KENNY

  Chester, you are the shit, man.

  CHESTER

  On a stick?

  KENNY

  Yes. You are the shit, on a stick!

  CHESTER

  Golden. Meet me at our fishing spot on the Seaside Pier in about an hour with the briefcase. Some of that ocean air will help us think clearly and hammer out a plan of action without being interrupted.

  KENNY

  Ok, sure. No, wait. I left the briefcase at Kimmys. I have to go back and get it. Just meet me at Kimmys. Then we can drive there together. My car is like a homing beacon to these guys.

  CHESTER

  At Kimmy's, huh? Should I bring some garlic, holy water, and a crucifix? Ha ha ha, I am just kiddin' you, Ken. OK, I'm not! That morbid bitch ain't no good for you bro. But seriously, I don't have much time because I start my new job this afternoon.

  KENNY

  What about Skips?

  CHESTER

  I am done there, dude. I went in this morning and told Skip himself he can eat my shit with his hook. He told me to go fuck myself and chased me out the door on his peg leg. Crazy old pirate. No big deal, I got this awesome job now on the east side working with kids. Alright Ken, I am all phoned out. I'll see you at Kimmys.

  KENNY

  Later.

  Kenny hangs up
the phone, grabs his keys, and bails out the front door. As soon as he leaves, his phone RINGS three times. The answering machine kicks in and answers the call.

  ANSWERING MACHINE

  (KENNY)

  Hey, you just missed me, leave a message.

  The machine CLICKS a few times.

  KIMMY

  (V.O.)

  Time to recharge your cellular phone, loser! C'mon Kenny pick up the phone. This is Kimmy, as if I have to tell you. Where are you? On the crapper? OK, fine. I am going to be home a little sooner than expected because mommy has to go to the Seaside Country Club. They scheduled an emergency club-leaders meeting because of someone stealing money or something. Bye.

  The machine CLICKS again.

  CUT TO:

  EXT: THE JACKSON'S HOUSE.

  Earl and Shonda sit on the porch. Earl still reads the paper.

  SHONDA

  Their goes that crazy white boy again.

  Kenny jogs out of his house back to his car.

  SHONDA

  Look at him run. It's like he is burning up with energy. Definitely cocaine. Their goes the neighborhood, Earl. We got gay white boys doing Columbian drugs. Not my idea of racial harmony.

  Earl licks his finger and turns the page.

  EARL

  That's nice, honey.

  The black Jeep screeches into the driveway of Kenny's house ten seconds later. Simon and Numbers climb out and look around. They go inside.

  SHONDA

  You see that, Earl? Now he has all kinds of gay drug dealers coming and going.

  EARL

  That's nice, honey.

  CUT TO:

  EXT: KIMMY'S HOUSE.

  Kenny stands outside waiting for Chester. A blue pickup truck pulls into the driveway. Out climbs Chester in a giant Penguin suit.

  KENNY

  What in the…

  CHESTER

  I don't want to hear any flack, man.

  KENNY

  Really, I'm not surprised. What's the pay? A bucket of fish an hour. Hey, now you can tell your parents you got a real job and get to wear a suit!

  CHESTER

  This is for real. I am Paco the Penguin five afternoons a week. The kids LOVE me and so do the MOMS. The money is good and I get all the free pizza I want!

  Kenny puts his arm around Chester as they walk to the front door.

  KENNY

  Alright, seriously man, I appreciate you helping me out. Why don't you WADDLE around back and check all the windows. Look for that crazy-ass dog and distract it. I just need to get in and get out.

  Kenny waits by the front door while Chester waddles around from room to room looking in.

  He looks into the guest bedroom.

  CHESTER

  This one is clear.

  Chester peeks into the living room.

  CHESTER

  Living room is clear.

  Chester looks into the last window.

  CHESTER

  Nothing in her bedroom except some creepy stuffed animals.

  INT: KIMMY'S HOUSE. BEDROOM.

  The pillows on the bed are piled high with stuffed animals. Pudding is comfortably underneath the fluffy heap and blends in with them perfectly. Only her head pokes out.

  Outside the window, a giant penguin peeks in the window and then walks away.

  The heap of stuffed animals falls apart as Pudding emerges. She tiptoes to the front door in anticipation.

  CUT TO:

  EXT: KIMMY'S HOUSE.

  Chester returns to the front door.

  CHESTER

  Dude, I didn't see her dog. But I know she is in there.

  KENNY

  I can survive Pudding biting my ass. But those two men won't be as merciful to me or Kimmy. I have to go for it.

  Kenny takes a deep breath, swings open the front door and lunges inside.

  CUT TO:

  INT: KIMMY'S HOUSE.

  Kenny accidentally trips over the rug by the front door and takes a tumble behind the couch.

  The briefcase sits on the table.

  Pudding hurdles through the room, over the table and couch, and out the front door.

  KENNY

  Shit!

  CUT TO:

  INT: SCHOOL BUS.

  Two little kids sit in the back as the bus drives slowly through the neighborhood. JIMMY and KYLE are both 7 years old.

  KYLE

  Hey, you want to come to my birthday party? My mom is letting me invite some friends. We are gonna go eat pizza and play video games with Paco.

  JIMMY

  Heck yeah, I wanna go!

  A little girl screams and points outside the bus. All the kids look out the windows.

  Outside, a big, black Doberman chases Paco the Penguin.

  CUT TO:

  EXT: NEIGHBORHOOD.

  Chester is running from Pudding. The dog keeps catching him and tearing off pieces of the penguin suit. The bus slowly keeps pace with the chase.

  CHESTER

  You psycho fucking dog, get off me!

  Kids on the bus are screaming and waving at Chester in the penguin suit.

  CHESTER

  Shit! Open the bus doors, help me! Let me on the bus!

  KYLE leans out one of the bus windows.

  KYLE

  Hey Paco, me and Jimmy are coming to eat pizza on Wednesday!

  Chester bangs on the bus doors while Pudding shreds off the bottom part of his suit. The bus driver lets him on.

  Pudding stands on the side of the road mincing the article of black and white costume.

  CUT TO:

  INT: SCHOOL BUS.

  Chester stumbles in covered from the waist up in a penguin costume. He only wears white boxers, two different socks, and old sneakers.

  BUS DRIVER

  Oh my, sir, are you ok?

  Chester feels inside his boxers for a few seconds and sighs.

  CHESTER

  Everything is fine.

  BUS DRIVER

  Sir, there are children on this bus. Please don't do that!

  One of the kids raises his hand.

  CHESTER

  Yeah, what?

  KID

  Paco, you have skinny white legs like my dad.

  CUT TO:

  INT: KENNY'S HOUSE.

  The place is ransacked. Furniture is overturned, and drawers and cabinets are emptied out onto the counters and floors. Simon is breathing heavily. Numbers comes in from the bedroom.

  NUMBERS

  We gutted this place and nothing!

  SIMON

  JESUS FUCKIN CHRI-

  Numbers reaches out and covers Simon's mouth.

  NUMBERS

  Shhhh. Don't finish that statement, the Lord can hear you!

  Simon plies Numbers hands off his face.

  SIMON

  I don't give a rat's fucking ass, Numbers! I don't believe all that holy religious crap that you have had shoved down your fuckin' throat. The bible aint nothin' more than another Shakespeare novel. If I want to swear on the name of God or Jesus, or Hamlet, then I Goddamn will!

  Simon throws a book across the room.

  NUMBERS

  Fine.

  Simon leans against the wall. Beside him, on the window ledge, the answering machine's little red button BLINKS.

  Simon looks down and pushes it. The answering machine plays the following:

  ANWERING MACHINE

  (KIMMY)

  Time to recharge your cellular phone, loser! C'mon Kenny pick up the phone. This is Kimmy, as if I have to tell you. Where are you? On the crapper? OK, fine. I am going to be home a little sooner than expected because mommy has to go to the Seaside Country Club. They scheduled an emergency club-leaders meeting because of someone stealing money or something. Bye.

  The goons exchange a long silent stare.

  NUMBERS

  He went to her house instead of coming home. That means SHE has the briefcase.

  SIMON

  To find her, we have to co
nsult with "Mommy." Let's go play some fuckin' golf, Numbers!

  They dart out the door.

  CUT TO:

  EXT: NEIGHBORHOOD.

  Kenny cruises along looking for Chester. He stops behind a school bus letting children off.

  A few kids scuttle off the bus to their mothers. Chester exits last. One mother GASPS in disgust. Another mother approaches Chester.

  MOTHER

  Oh my, you sicko-pervert! Put some pants on you sexual deviant!

  The Mother strikes Chester in his head with her purse.

  He falls to the ground clutching his beak.

  Kenny drives up beside the Mother.

  KENNY

  Sorry, ma'am. He ate seafood this morning. It makes him do crazy things!

  Chester plucks off the fluffy penguin mask.

  One of the kids SCREAMS in surprise and runs up and kicks Chester while he's getting up.

  CHESTER

  Aaaaah!

  The mothers and children scurry away. Kenny smirks and pulls up alongside Chester. He holds up the briefcase.

  KENNY

  Yeah, the mom's LOVE you! Hop in Paco, I got the goods and a change of clothes for you.

  CHESTER

  Ohhh, my head.

  Chester flops into the car with his feet dangling up in the air.

  CHESTER

  You think that maybe Skip will accept an apology?

  Kenny shakes his head. They speed off.

  CUT TO:

  EXT: SEASIDE PIER.

  The Pier is a wooden construction covered in mold and BIRD GUANO. It stretches out a hundred yards into the Pacific Ocean. Aluminum shacks sell bait and tackle.

  Seagulls fly through the air and a PELICAN sits atop one of the posts. Kenny walks to the end of the pier with the briefcase in his hand. He leans over the banister and stares down at the water.

  KENNY

  (to himself)

  Do I keep it? Do I give it back? What if the thing is filled with money and I just give back some of it? MY GOD, HAVE I MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

  Chester catches up to him with a Corona in one hand and a tub of dead bait in the other.

  KENNY

  Hey, where'd you get that?

  CHESTER

  At that bait and tackle shack. You get a free beer if you buy ten dollars worth of bait.

  KENNY

  What are you going to do with ten dollars worth of bait?

  CHESTER

  I don't know. I did it for the beer. I figured that after escaping the psycho dog and scaring a bus full of children, I deserved a cold one. Want one?

  KENNY

  No, because then we'll have twenty dollars worth of bait.

  CHESTER

  Don't look at it like that! Be optimistic, be open-minded. Look up, look at the sky, man. See how beautiful and majestic it is. It is contained by nobody. It answers to no man.

  Kenny takes a long look at the sky.

  The sky is gray with heavy hanging clouds and lightning.

  KENNY

  Where are you going with this?

  CHESTER

  There you go with that stale pessimistic attitude. Break out of your shell, man. Here, reach into this bucket and pull out a piece of bait.

  KENNY

  What?!

  CHESTER

  Don't question it, don't hesitate, just do it. Reach down into this bucket and pull out a piece of bait. There is a point to this. C'mon!

  Kenny jams his hand into the bucket and pulls out a few little frozen fish. Chester takes a slug of his beer and looks around.

  CHESTER

  Squeeze one open. Go on.

  KENNY

  Just for you, man.

  Kenny squeezes one of the fish between his fingers. Guts and juices bubble out.

  CHESTER

  What do you see? What do you feel?

  KENNY

  Ew, gross. I don't know. It's