The Good, the Plaid, and the Ugly Read online

picks up a bottle of kiwi-avocado moisturizer.

  ASHLEY

  No. But the moisturizer will be seven fifty.

  Jack fakes sincerity and honesty the best he can.

  JACK

  Listen, I REALLY need that chest back. It was an honest mistake and I ask that you please return it. It is a precious family heirloom.

  ASHLEY

  No. And if you aren't going to buy anything then please leave because you're blocking my display.

  Jack stares at her.

  JACK

  I must not be hearing you, because it sounds like you keep saying "No," and that...

  ASHLEY

  (interrupting)

  Fuck off, LOSER. You are not getting that chest back.

  Jack stands completely stunned.

  JACK

  You swindled me out of...

  ASHLEY

  SECURITY! SECURITY!

  A security officer approaches them from across the room.

  JACK

  Alright, there is no need for this. What do you want? I will give you anything to have that chest back. Do you want me for an evening of unbridled passion? Do you want money? Do you...

  Ashley sits back in her chair and SIGHS while Jack rambles on.

  Behind Jack, Britney enters the room. Dozens of women clap and cheer for her. Ashley notices and scowls.

  ASHLEY

  OK, can it. You want your book back?

  Jack nods.

  ASHLEY

  OK, then you have to purchase 1550 dollars worth of products from me right now.

  JACK

  Are you fucking bankers? I don't have that kind of money on me.

  ASHLEY

  Well, here comes the security guard to throw your desperate ass out of here. Think faster.

  The Security Guard steps up to the table.

  GUARD

  Is everything alright here? I thought I heard someone yelling.

  Jack grinds his teeth.

  JACK

  Will you take a check?

  Ashley smiles with victory.

  CUT TO:

  INT: AUXILIARY ROOM.

  A crowd of women surround Britney as she tells a story.

  BRITNEY

  And then I looked her in the eye and told her she needed the pomegranite-almond facial scrub. But before she could reply I put a bottle of lavender-mint astringent in her hand. Her husband was breathless and all he could bare to do was sign the check as he ogled at my chest. She thanked me endlessly for helping her feel beautiful again. She later told me I might have saved her marriage!

  All the women applaud and congratulate her. Britney bows and blows kisses.

  Ashley strides towards Britney and barges through the crowd.

  ASHLEY

  Hey, Britney. Here are the keys to the car. Try to have fun in Ybor City tonight.

  Britney sees her sister and rolls her eyes. She snatches the keys.

  BRITNEY

  Hey Ash, this is the winners circle, I believe the pity party is on the other side of the room.

  ASHLEY

  Hey, why don't you stop stroking your ego for a moment and look at this.

  Ashley hands Britney a check. Britney looks at briefly and then does a double take. She gawks at the check.

  BRITNEY

  Fifteen hundred and sixty dollars! Doctor Tim Hoffleday. What is this, some kind of joke?

  Ashley snatches the check back.

  ASHLEY

  No. This Doctor just purchased everything I had.

  Ashley turns to walk away but spins back around.

  ASHLEY

  By the way, can I borrow your suitcase after you empty it?

  Britney faints.

  ASHLEY

  Bon voyage!

  CUT TO:

  EXT: AUXILIARY ROOM.

  Jack and Tim stand by the doors as people pour out of the building.

  TIM

  Why did you want me to give you a check for sixty bucks? Didn't you just make some money this morning from Grandma?

  JACK

  Yeah, but I left the money at her house.

  TIM

  So when do we get the book back?

  JACK

  Well, she said she would meet us out here at ten. She has it in the front seat of her car.

  TIM

  Good. I can be home by ten-thirty and hard at work on my Kutter account by eleven.

  Britney barges out the doors sobbing. She climbs into Ashley's yellow Volkswagon Beetle and peels out of the parking lot. Jack watches the whole thing curiously.

  JACK

  Hmm, that's strange.

  The two Beauticians exit the building and gossip as they walk by Tim and Jack.

  BEAUTICIAN #1

  That is amazing. Fifteen hundred and sixty dollars in one sale. And at the LAST MINUTE, too!

  BEAUTICIAN #2

  I know, isn't that exciting! And she said it was from a Doctor.

  The Beauticians move on.

  Ashley exits the building surrounded by women. They all shake her hand and congratulate her.

  ASHLEY

  Thank you, everyone, for your gratitude. I will take lots of pictures while I am in Paris and show you all when I get back.

  They all break apart as Ashley walks to the parking lot. Jack and Tim follow.

  JACK

  Ashley. Hey, Ashley.

  She turns and sees him.

  ASHLEY

  Oh yeah, you. Follow me.

  She walks towards her sister's old, beat up Pinto. It has a magnetic sign on the side.

  INSERT: SIGN

  Mary-Cay Beautician: Britney Meadows

  BACK TO SCENE

  ASHLEY

  Oh, darn. I made a mistake.

  JACK

  What do you mean?

  ASHLEY

  I don't have the book. My sister does. She borrowed my car and it is on the front seat. You'll just have to get later, sorry.

  JACK

  There is no later. I need it now. Where did your sister go?

  ASHLEY

  Listen, you don't want to bother her right now. She is extremely volatile! Call me on Friday when I get back from my trip and I will let you come get it.

  JACK

  Friday is no good. I need it now. Where'd she go?

  ASHLEY

  She went to Club Maxim in Ybor City to drink and dance away her problems, just like any teenage girl with big boobs and a little brain does. If you want it that bad, it's you funeral! Have fun. I have some packing to do.

  TIM

  That's it?

  ASHLEY

  Oh wow, the DOCTOR speaks! Yeah, that's it.

  Ashley gets in the car and leaves.

  TIM

  Why'd she call me "the Doctor?"

  JACK

  I don't know, that's just weird, huh? So, off to Ybor we go?

  TIM

  We?

  JACK

  Yep. Come on, Tim. It won't hurt you to UNWIND for once. You work too much. You need to live a little.

  TIM

  Twice in a day's time. Am I really that uptight?

  JACK

  You've been an uptight weenie since your senior year. Do you mind if we drop by the house real quick so I can clean up?

  INT: JEEP.

  Tim drives on Interstate 275 to Ybor City. They pass a traffic sign.

  INSERT: TRAFFIC SIGN

  Next right: Ybor City, Historic District.

  BACK TO SCENE

  Jack wears a plaid kilt and continues to adjust the seat.

  JACK

  Thanks for dropping by the house really quick.

  TIM

  If you had told me it was so you could put on that ridiculous kilt I never would have wasted the time.

  JACK

  Hey, we are going to Ybor. I have to get a little dressed up. Besides, it wasn't all that much of a waste of time. Sammie could have relieved himself on your new couch.

  Tim nods his head and agrees.
r />   JACK

  You know what? In the midst of all this excitement, today, I don't think I got a chance to tell you the name of my new band.

  TIM

  How unfortunate.

  JACK

  Dude, this is awesome. Me and the Bob brothers are...

  TIM

  (interrupting)

  Any sentence that starts with "me and the Bob brothers" is like a double negative, Jack. It is bound NOT to make sense. Similar to a grown man wearing a skirt.

  JACK

  You finished? The name of our band is...

  TIM

  (interrupting)

  Jack, you don't even own an instrument.

  JACK

  Hello, I'm the lead singer.

  TIM

  The lead singer? And what is the name of this band you will be singing for?

  JACK

  The Unortho-dachsunds. Get it? I took two words like unorthodox and dachsund and I combined them to...

  TIM

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Welcome to Ybor, Jack. You should fit right in!

  CUT TO:

  EXT: PARKING LOT.

  Tim tries to maneuver the Jeep into a parking spot but a couple

  of drunk college kids stand in the spot making-out. Tim HONKS

  the horn and flashes his brights. They stumble off.

  CUT TO:

  EXT: YBOR CITY.

  It is six long blocks of clubs and bars on both sides of the street. It is like a miniature Mardi Gras. Tim and Jack push their way through crowds of partying pedestrians. Music blares from each nightclub as they walk by.

  TIM

  I hate Ybor. It's like one big party and the only people who were sent invitations were circus performers, amateur porn-stars, and methadone clinic escapees.

  Jack does a different dance past each nightclub as each plays it's own style of music.

  JACK

  Woooooooo! I love Ybor City!

  TIM

  Let's get this chest and get home. I have stuff to do.

  They head towards Club Maxim.

  CUT TO:

  EXT: CLUB MAXIM.

  A line of people winds out the door. Tim and Jack get at the end of the line.

  TIM

  You stand in line while I go see if I can get us into the club. Tarmack's brother bounces at a couple of these places.

  Jack nods to his brother, even though he is completely distracted by a tall, blond-haired woman standing before him in line. Her name is TONYA and she is in a plaid skirt and a white top. Jack intentionally bumps her.

  JACK

  Oops, pardon me, gorgeous.

  The woman turns around to reveal that she is a transvestite.

  Jack is oblivious.

  JACK

  Wow, you're like a really big Catholic schoolgirl. So, what's your name?

  TONYA

  Tonya. I like your skirt.

  JACK

  Thank you, but it is actually a kilt. Kind of like a skirt, but made for a man. I guess I can say that I am a man who's not afraid to be in touch with his feminine side.

  TONYA

  Me too.

  Tonya winks at Jack. He blushes and produces a smile from ear to ear.

  Tim strolls up to them.

  TIM

  Alright, it's a go. Follow me.

  JACK

  Tim, meet Tonya.

  Tim notices her and practically GASPS in horror.

  TIM

  Eeeerrrgh, nice to meet you...Tonya.

  He gives his brother a puzzled look. Jack returns the look with an excited smile.

  TIM

  We have to go. Now!

  Jack waves to Tonya as Tim drags him away.

  CUT TO:

  INT: CLUB MAXIM.

  Colored lights bathe the hundreds of people as they sway and dance to the music in the middle of the club. Pub tables and bar-stools separate the bar from the dance floor.

  Nineteen-year-old JOEY BOON sits at one of the pub tables by himself. He guards four purses. Jack and Tim push by behind him.

  TIM

  How in the hell are we going to find her in here?

  JACK

  I don't… Their she is!

  Jack points. Britney dances in ways that are provocative in order to tease and taunt the six men dancing around her. She periodically makes-out with every other guy.

  TIM

  Wow, that was quick.

  JACK

  Sure was. So what do we do now? Do I just go ask her?

  TIM

  I don't see why not. Maybe you'll also get a nice sloppy kiss and some puss filled zits around your mouth first thing tomorrow morning.

  Jack shrugs and muscles his way onto the dance floor. He slowly works his way into the huddle of men around Britney. Just as soon as he starts dancing with her, the song changes and she staggers