The Good, the Plaid, and the Ugly Read online

clean-shaven.

  Tim stands in front of a huge display of Kutter brand mosquito repellant products and storyboards.

  TIM

  So the mosquito says, "as if my two-week life span wasn't short enough already!" Then, we show the mother spray the mosquito with the can of mosquito fogger. Finally, focus in on the assortment of Kutter mosquito repellant products on the picnic table and we end with the new slogan, which is..."Kill them quick, kill them today, kill them the Kutter way!"

  Tim stands proud and looks each of them over. They all sit quietly.

  MR. LEGHORN

  Well, that sucked.

  MS. WILSON

  Mr. Leghorn, please! Tim, we gave you a week and you present us with...

  Mr. LEGHORN

  (interrupting)

  It sucked. Just say it.

  MS. WILSON

  Mr. Leghorn, that's enough! Tim, we wanted something more professional and less...homicidal. And the mosquito seems too cute. What does everyone else think?

  MR. LEGHORN

  We should contact a more legit advertising agency. We basically hired this kid because he is a friend of Tarmack's and that has already afforded us a week we didn't have. That's what I think.

  She looks around at the other board members. They all nod in agreement. Jerry Tarmack speaks up.

  TARMACK

  Before we jump into a hasty decision let's give Tim another chance. I feel he is just getting warmed up. I promise you guys he will give us something incredible this time next week. I vouch for him on this!

  All the board members MURMUR.

  MS. WILSON

  Tarmack, do you realize we have already lost a week? We have deadlines and you want another seven days? I consider myself open-minded and am willing to give Tim another chance at this. I will offer him two days to give us something not only better, but perfect.

  Ms. Wilson stares at Tim. He nods to her as he nervously rubs a large SCAR on his left hand.

  MR. LEGHORN

  Great, Ms. Wilson. I am going to end this meeting if you don't mind and go find my own way of wasting two more days of company time.

  He leaves. A few of the other people follow him.

  CUT TO:

  INT: HALLWAY.

  Tim lulls down the hallway with an arm full of storyboards, a briefcase, and a few cans and bottles of mosquito repellant. Tarmack combs his hair as he walks with Tim.

  TIM

  Tarmack, you didn't have to do that. I really gave them my all. I don't think I am going to come up with anything better in two days.

  TARMACK

  Well, you have to. I stuck my neck out for you and I need you to pull this one out. I know you can do it, Mr. Last Minute.

  TIM

  Don't call me that, it reminds me of high school.

  TARMACK

  I can't help it. It is the truth. Every game, every test, everything in general, you always pulled it out last minute. You were the man back then!

  Tim stops.

  TIM

  So what am I now?

  TARMACK

  Tim, you've become a weenie. In that high school bathroom, seven years ago, I never believed you for a second when you said that you were going to start "walking the straight and narrow." But you DID and then some. It seems like everything you've become since then is just so predictable, planned, and.. .boring. You're whole presentation today was so plain and so packaged. It was like a formed, processed, bland, and chalky nutritional candy bar. You left a dull taste in everyone's mouth. You need to get back to that old Tim that was spontaneous, and unpredictable. You are not going to land this sale unless you do!

  TIM

  Well, maybe I never wanted to land this sale in the first place.

  A janitor pushes past them with a cart full of cleaning supplies and a trash can. Tim crams all his storyboards in the trash can and stomps off.

  TARMACK

  Tim.

  Tim turns around.

  TARMACK

  Too much work and not enough play makes Tim a dull boy! You need to unwind. Forget about the account for a day and go do something spontaneous and crazy. Hey, tomorrow night at the Afterglow, Lesbian Coleslaw Wrestling! My brother can get us in for free.

  Tim smiles.

  TIM

  Thanks for looking out, Tarmack. I'll get back to you on the coleslaw wrestling.

  CUT TO:

  EXT: CLEARWATER BEACH.

  Jack is sprawled out in his chair. Five empty beer bottles litter the sand near his feet. His cheeks and forehead are pink from the hot sun.

  JACK

  Jim-Bobby, baby. One more beer for the Jackster.

  Jim-Bob passes over another beer. The girls still tan with their tops undone.

  JACK

  Dude, look at these girls. They are so taunting us. They want us to look.

  JIM-BOB

  That's right, dude. But we are WAY are out of their league, so looking is all we can do and probably afford. It is like having a parrot dangled in front of our faces.

  JACK

  You mean a carrot?

  JIM-BOB

  Yeah.

  Jack takes a long swig of his cold beer as Jim-Bob pulls a beer out of the ice for himself. There are three beers left in the cooler.

  CUT TO:

  EXT: TWENTY MINUTES LATER.

  The cooler is empty. Jack finishes his beer and drops the empty bottle next to the other six bottles by his feet. His head slumps forward in a drunken stupor as he BELCHES a hideous burp.

  He stares indefinitely at the girls tanning.

  JACK

  I can't handle this too much longer. These girls are...

  One of the girls sits up a little bit and readjusts herself.

  JACK

  I totally just saw a nip!

  Jack wobbles to his feet and stumbles to the cooler.

  JIM-BOB

  No more beer, dude. We are out.

  JACK

  It's OK, I didn't come over here for the beer.

  Jack picks up the cooler and staggers through the sand towards the girls.

  JACK

  This is for you Joe-Bob. Hopefully it will make you feel better about your fucked-up shaped head.

  Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob lean forward in their seats, wide-eyed with attention. Jack stands over the girls, VANESSA and CINDY, with the cooler in his hands.

 

  VANESSA

  (condescendingly)

  You're standing in my sun, loser.

  Jack looks delirious and collected all at once as he dumps the cooler of ice and water onto the girls. They SCREAM and hop to their feet. Jack and the Bob brothers are in heaven as the girls' scramble around topless.

  Vanessa yells for her boyfriend. Cindy slugs Jack in his eye.

  VANESSA

  Bobby! Bobby, help me!

  BOBBY and FRANK come running out of Kahuna's Beach Bar.

  Jim-Bob starts throwing empty beer bottles at them. One of them bounces off Frank's skull causing him to hit the sand like a bag of potatoes. Bobby sprints through the sand and clotheslines Jim-Bob. Jim-Bob doubles over and just about kisses his own butt.

  BOBBY

  I am going to get you asshole!

  Jack has Cindy in a headlock. He pushes her down into a sandcastle and throws a handful of sand at Bobby. Cindy staggers to her feet and swings wildly at Jack. As Bobby claws sand from his eyes, Joe-bob wraps a towel around his head. Joe-Bob spins Bobby around in front of Jack causing Bobby to accidentally receive a few vicious jabs via Cindy.

  Jack grabs Jim-Bob and makes for the parking lot.

  JACK

  Let's go Joe-Bob!

  Joe-Bob catches up with his brother and Jack.

  JOE-BOB

  Them sure was the pointiest titties I ever seen!

  Jack laughs.

  JACK

  Yes, Joe-Bob is back!

  CUT TO:

  INT: TIM'S HOUSE.

  Jack lies on the couch covered in sand. He holds an A
ll-American Supermarket plastic grocery bag filled with ice on his eye.

  Sammie's tail wags as he watches Tim saunter up the driveway. Tim trudges through the front door and drops his bag. He kneels down and lets the dog lick his face.

  TIM

  Hey, Sammie-dog!

  Jack doesn't move as Tim notices him.

  TIM

  My brother, Jack, with a black eye. Who did you manage to piss off, today?

  JACK

  This dude got crazy with me at the beach. I looked at his girlfriend wrong or something.

  Tim begins to look disgruntled.

  TIM

  And you had time to go to the beach today, when?

  CUT TO:

  EXT: ALL-AMERICAN SUPERMARKET. PARKING LOT.

  The burning hot sun reflects off the white hood of Randy's Toyota Camry.

  CUT TO:

  INT: TOYOTA CAMRY.

  The 2-liter bottle sits on the passenger side seat. The pizza dough bubbles inside the bottle.

  CUT TO:

  INT: TIM'S HOUSE.

  Jack sits up in the couch.

  JACK

  After work.

  TIM

  When was that?

  JACK

  Like...um...

  TIM

  Jack, I am not one of your stupid bosses. I am your brother. Please, treat with me with just a little more respect and give me the truth.

  JACK

  Oh come on, Tim. I had a rough day. Can't we talk about this later when I can see your wonderful smiling face?

  Tim clenches his hands into fists.

  CUT TO:

  INT: TOYOTA CAMRY.

  Hot sunlight bathes the 2-liter bottle from the open sunroof. The pizza dough bubbles profusely inside the bottle. It makes a quiet WHINING noise like a teakettle that is just reaching a boil.

  CUT TO:

  INT: TIM'S HOUSE.

  Tim's face is getting RED.

  TIM

  Jack, give me a straight answer, now!

  JACK

  Alright. Eleven-thirty.

  TIM

  Weren't you scheduled for work this morning at eight?

  JACK

  Yeah.

  TIM

  Only a three-hour shift?

  JACK

  Yeah, but it's my last three-hour shift.

  TIM

  Your last three-hour shift or your last shift?

  Jack stares at his brother like a thief who's been caught red- handed.

  JACK

  Ohhh, my kidney!

  Jack clutches the right side of his gut like he is pain. Tim shakes his head as he boils over with frustration and anger.

  CUT TO:

  INT: TOYOTA CAMRY.

  The 2-liter bottle is completely bloated. The pizza dough inside is oily and bubbling as if it were carbonated. The bottle quivers.

  CUT TO:

  INT: TIM'S HOUSE.

  Jack still clutches his kidney.

  TIM

  Give it a rest, Jack! Your kidney is perfectly fine since the operation. Right now, I am furious with you! You are 22 and have had over a dozen different jobs in the last year. You don't have a car. In fact, you own nothing. YOU NEED TO LEARN TO GROW UP AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY! I feel I have no other choice but to light a flame under your ass and tell you that you have two days to make rent or you have to get OUT!

  Jack quits faking the pain.

  JACK

  Two days or I am OUT? Dude, give me just a small extension and I will make it up to you.

  TIM

  No, definitely not another extension. Two days, Jack! I want the rent on time, for once. And get off my new couch with your dirty shorts, please!

  As Jack stands up, handfuls of sand pour off his chest and lap onto the corduroy couch. He attempts to dust off the sand only to accidentally squeeze the contents of the grocery bag all over the couch. Ice and water splash onto the cushions. Jack takes off his shirt and tries to wipe it all off, only to smear it all into the rivets of the corduroy.

  Tim explodes with rage and slaps his forehead.

  TIM

  DAMMIT, JACK!

  CUT TO:

  INT: TOYOTA CAMRY.

  The 2-liter bottle of pizza dough perspires. Suddenly, the bottle EXPLODES. Plastic shrapnel and mounds of cooked and raw pizza dough blanket the interior of the car.

  FADE OUT:

  FADE IN:

  INT: TIM'S HOUSE. BEDROOM.

  Tim sits at his desk mumbling to